Awesome! My house is now “Bachelor Clean.”
If you’re wondering what that means, put the clothes in your hamper away as if they were clean, put all five plates and three glasses and seven forks in the dishwasher and run it, then douse your bathroom in whiskey and light it on fire, taking care to inhale as much of the alcohol fumes as possible.
How to be a bachelor: 12-29-09, 12:19 PM
- Noticing the spaghetti sauce stain on your white T-shirt, avoid contact with people by sneaking around in back hallways.
- Throw away the moldy cheese and spoiled lunch meat that would have been your lunch right after taking a bite of each and throwing up in your mouth.
- Walk to some place to get lunch, order the $2.99 hobo special, wink at the cashier.
- In order to maximize awkwardness, walk out immediately after leaving your phone number on the receipt, turn around for a wink-to-go and notice the entire staff mistaking the vacuum belt around your calf for a parole anklet.
- Return to your office, gruel in hand, skipping.
How to be a bachelor: 12-29-2009, 8:39 AM
- Awakened by the beckoning of bladdersaurus rex, rush upstairs to the bathroom.
- Distracted by the awful taste in your mouth, trip over the decapitated vacuum on the way.
- Continue to make your way to the bathroom despite the appliance somehow attached to your foot. Do your business.
- Compose an email apology to your neighbor for an apparent attempt to vacuum at 1 AM after receiving an email interrogation concerning violent cursing shortly after that time.
- Noticing yet another soggy toothbrush in yet another sink, pop in some Winterfresh.
- Find some cleanish clothes on the floor (didn’t you do laundry last night?), head out the door for work.
How to be a bachelor: 12-29-2009, 3:43 AM
- Get home from Christmas break and unpack, clean and start a wash with the resolve of an alcoholic on New Year’s Eve.
- Enjoy fumes of Pledge and the taste of whiskey while you fold your laundry.
- Attempt to put away your socks and underthings but fail miserably because as a holdover from college you have enough to last you months, but lack proper storage space for all of them because most of it is usually on the floor and in the hamper.
- Pass out on the couch, wake up with your fly down and hope to God you didn’t pee all over your downstairs toothbrush when you find it laying soggily in the kitchen sink.
- Brush your teeth.
