The Spam Canon, or The Origin of Snowmen.
Spam, the delicacy enjoyed in many countries and the loathe of American school children, has a not-very-well-known and checkered narrative. It has, in any case, secured itself a dubious place in world history.
Spam Man, a being in a long line of spam creatures, was to be the savior of the Soviet Union. His father was the mobilizing agent in the October Revolution in 1917. A goose-stepping Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man-sized monster sporting a pencil thin mustache, a mohawk, and an ill-fitting and grease covered monocle, Spam Man instilled horror in the hearts of timid toddlers of entire cities, states, and city states. As the Soviet Union’s secret weapon, he had the power to make overprotected toddlers scream and cry simply by making not-very-scary faces at them. In theory, this would be at least as inconvenient as an entire nation of school children ducking and covering.
Sadly, Enemies of the State would never suffer the inconvenience of a city full of crying toddlers and microfloods caused by the sweat that had once glistened on Spam Man’s severe acne or in the hammer and sickle shaved into the side of his head.
The impoverished inhabitants of the Siberian Plains desperately needed the economic vitality that would be gained by the worldwide spread of communism. In light of this, they made homages to the Great Spam in the Sky by rolling snow into the shape of decreasingly large spam canisters and stacking the smaller canister simulations on the larger ones. Unfortunately for the Siberians, high-flying U2s took notice of these strange formations and assumed they were meant to signify a larger than expected Siberian population. With this information, the United States taught Cold War era children to build snowmen as a measure of counterintelligence.
The snowman building effort worked. Soviet spies found the stacked spam canister replicas all over the nation and deduced that the United States had a spam monster of its own. Realizing that the release of Spam Man would result in Mutually Assured Inconvenience, the Soviet Union let communism crumble in order to teach a lesson in postmodernism to those inconveniently theistic Siberians. The Siberians, disappointed, resorted to calling Spam Man “Pepperoni Face,” which caused immeasurable shame to Spam Man and his family. Spam Man wept for 40 days and 40 nights, flooding the earth and cleansing it from the sinful cycle of oppressive pseudo wars and ignorance.
While the human race attempted to repopulate the earth, Spam Man found solace in stomping various unwieldy human settlements with his enormous tin shoes and yelling “I AM SPAM” in a voice that would later be described as minor cattle flatulence.
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inspired by a conversation with @eoporto
